26 Sep 5 Ways to Nurture a Loving Sibling Relationship

From the moment I learned that I was pregnant with my second child, my thought and hope has been that my children would be best friends. Not just as children, playing together, but as they grow into the teenage years and into adulthood. I want them to forge a lasting, loving friendship that will provide each other with support and understanding when they need it most.

We Have to Create Our Own Reality

Having grown up in a very large family, I was more than familiar with sibling rivalry – the bickering and the arguing that goes on between siblings. I was probably a major antagonist! On one level, that type of behavior is simply human nature. So, I wasn’t so naïve as to believe that the fighting could be completely avoided.

Many times, I would take my young son out to the park. As we played in the play structures, it was very common to witness a sibling spat. I often witnessed a couple of siblings screaming and hitting each other as they played. The majority of the time, the mother barely noticed the disturbance, which logically let to me shuddering to think of the chaos that lived in that home. I don’t mean this as a criticism of that mother. It was simply an observation of the scene and an assessment of the situation. It was not a situation I wanted to be in.

So when Luci was born, I was determined that a loving sibling bond would not be left to chance and personality. I was determined that together, we would work to create this bond and strengthen it each year. We would create opportunities to love each other. I would intentionally teach them to love other; I would show them how it was done.

It Worked!

And guess what? IT WORKED! From the very beginning, Clark and Luci bonded. It was beautiful to watch them. Clark was gentle and loving, Luci was trusting and adoring. Their relationship has grown and they are now the best of friends.

Yes, of course we have our moments. Or lots of moments. But their love for each other is never in question. They want to be together constantly. Even this evening as I was disciplining Clark, Luci came running to his side as his support. It made me burst out laughing, which made it a little difficult to make my point to Clark.

Many, many Moms have asked me: “How do you do it?” “How are they such good friends? My kids fight non-stop!” So I wanted to share a few things that I have intentionally done to support this loving sibling relationship.

1. Teach your children how to love.

This, of course, starts with us as the parents, modeling a loving relationship. But the parent-child relationship is also very important. As parents, we are teaching our children by example how to love their sibling. As I loved on Clark, and showed him how to be gently affectionate to his new little sister, he learned how to love on Luci.

We started a little tradition when Luci was born. As I was recovering, we took the time to lay in bed together every morning. Initially, when Luci was an infant, we would just cuddle her and kiss and love on each other. As Luci grew more interactive, the children began playing together, rolling around, giggling and laughing. Even now, Clark and Luci will often come to our bed in the morning and we’ll all curl up together for a few minutes before starting the day. Those moments are so precious and I believe have been instrumental in showing my children how to love each other.

2. Let them play together.

Beside homeschool time, I deliberately do not have a tremendous amount of structure to my children’s day. This encourages and allows for friendship development and imaginations to run rampant – and they do! I’ve never heard my children say that they are bored. They will find a game to play, a fort to build, a story to enact or a character to embody. They will play happily for hours together. When they need a break or quiet time, they naturally separate into different activities or different rooms. Sometimes I worry that child-play is a dying art, as families move into more and more structured lives.

3. Have them do chores together.

I have always had Clark and Luci team up together to clean their rooms. Even before she could walk, Luci would crawl around Clark’s room, putting their toys away. Now, it takes more encouragement, but once they get working together, I hear laughter and giggles and the chores get done surprisingly fast. This also sets the scene for #4.

4. Allow them to work out their differences together.

There is only one way to learn how to manage and resolve conflict and that is through experience. My children are not angels. They have strong opinions and do not hesitate to express those to each other. This inevitably leads to arguments. Initially, either Clark or Luci would end up running to me to tattle. I hate tattling, so I consistently told them to resolve the issue themselves (it was usually over a toy) or I was going to remove the cause of offense (usually the toy). They always resolved the issue and this has led to much more cooperative and enjoyable play.

5. Give each child one-on-one time.

Once a month, I take Clark or Luci out for a day with just me. My husband will do the same. We make it a special day, taking them to their favorite restaurant or ice cream place, maybe going to a fun place, swimming in the pool, or shopping at the dollar store. It’s never about money – it’s always about bonding. I believe that this helps them establish a solid relationship with us as parents, but also helps them grow and value their individuality and personality. Clark and Luci are always eager to get back to each other, and once they are together again, they have something exciting to talk about!

Of course this all just my experience. I may possibly just have been exceptionally blessed with two sweet children that truly love each other and who’s personalities blend perfectly – does that ever happen? My hope is that as they grow up, their love only continues to grow and mature.

My most cherished relationships as an adult are with my sisters. We somehow made it through all of our childhood arguments and now it’s really nice to know that there is always someone to go to in need, to talk to and to love. Really, this is all I want for Clark and Luci.