07 Mar It’s Not Always About You, Mom!

Our family is entering that dreaded pre-teen / teen time period, and I’m not ready for it. We’ve all heard the horror stories, but I think we all secretly believe that our children aren’t quite as bad as those other kids… until it happens to us. All those years of parenting to the best of your ability seem to disappear. The only thing left is a child in front of you who thinks you’re an idiot. The problem is, I am learning, that sometimes I am an idiot. Sometimes we need a reminder that it’s not always about you, Mom!

Let me tell you about a little incident from the other day. I had decided to tackle my ever-growing pile of unfolded laundry. Now, I regard folding laundry, not just as a chore, but as a form of therapy. It can be a quiet time, if I need time alone, or a bit of a break from interactions. I can use the time to listen to a podcast, to relax with music, or to catch up on some educational or business training. It is calming me to perfectly match the corners of a towel, to smooth out the wrinkles from a pair of pants, and to pair the multitude of socks. My mother taught me well, and I use the opportunity to unabashedly unleash all of my neurotic, obsessive-compulsive tendencies. More than that, though, folding laundry is also a way that I show my love to my family. Stacking the clothes in perfect little piles is a way I communicate to my husband and children that I love them. I like to think that it shows that I care.

So how did folding clothes become about parenting?

Once I had created one of these delightful stacks of perfectly folded clothes for my son, I handed it to him and asked him to put it away in his closet. I later went to his closet to ensure that he had done as requested. To my horror, I found the pile of clothes thrown onto his bed, now unfolded, and some even fallen to the floor.

I honestly had to take a moment of silence. The entire day had been full of bad attitude, arguments, and conflict. Now, after the time and effort that I had spent on folding this laundry, I was done. A flood of emotions washed over me. I felt that he was disregarding my time and disrespecting my efforts. Most of all, I felt he did not care about the love that I put into each fold. I was frustrated and so mad!

This is new territory for me.

Listen, I thought I had more time. Maybe 2-3 more years. I have no idea how to parent a pre-teen. Honestly, as soon as I feel like I’m getting a decent handle on how to parent my child, they move on to the next stage (without even asking me!), leaving me, once again, feeling unprepared and clueless.

In this case, my initial instinct was to respond in fury. I wanted my son to know how his actions hurt me, angered me, and frustrated me. But, more than any of that, I wanted a peaceful home. I want to have a home where my children see their Mother as an example of how to manage difficult situations, how to control emotions, and who, even when upset, can be a source of love.

What to do?

So I did the only thing I know to do – I went to the Holy Spirit. I am a big believer in the Holy Spirit as a helper and a teacher (and let’s be honest, I need a lot of helping and teaching!). All evening and all night, until I fell asleep, I talked to God, asking for help.

The next morning, I got up and was quickly glancing through social media, while drinking my coffee, when I came across a post from a homeschooling mother. This Mom had a pre-teen boy who was presenting with a bad attitude, constantly arguing, and creating conflict with his siblings. The mother was just expressing her frustration, and commented that it was times like these that she really thought of quitting and sending the child to public school to show him how good he had it. (Sound familiar?)

It was like she was narrating my day yesterday, word for word. I read through the comments, thinking there may be something useful, from an experienced Mom. Sure enough, I found it – a sparkling gem, mentioned several times. I know this was straight from the Holy Spirit, giving me exactly what I had been asking for the night before. It was a podcast episode by the Scholé Sisters, called Being Impervious: Now it’s [Not] Personal (with Cindy Rollins!).

If you are nearing the teenage years – go listen!

I strongly recommend this episode, if you are nearing the teenage years. In this podcast, they talk about being impervious. I looked up the definition of impervious. It is an adjective that is defined as “not allowing entrance or passage: Impenetrable,” “not capable of being damaged or harmed,” and “not capable of being affected or disturbed.” Cindy Rollins defines being impervious as “removing the emotion of the moment.” It’s the act of deciding not to take something personally. It’s not always about you, Mom!

As parents, we must be able to set up boundaries, and maintain those boundaries, without becoming emotional when they are tested. Growing children will always test the boundaries, but this is not a personal affront or an attack on our motherhood. It is simply a normal step in their maturation.

When I found the folded laundry thrown onto the bed and floor, I had two choices. I could give in to the emotional storm that swept over me, demanding to know “Why would you do this to me?!” This would inevitably engage my son, and would escalate the situation. Or I could become impervious, control my emotions, and realize that this actually had nothing to do with me. What had actually happened was my son got to his room, got distracted and forgot to put the clothes away. That’s it!

The Ring Theory

One of the podcasters referred to what I believe to be the Ring Theory, found in psychology. She compared this theory to how we should manage our emotions with our children. The Ring Theory was introduced by a breast cancer survivor who wanted to help people understand how to communicate and support those in crisis. It basically states that in a crisis, we all form a set of concentric rings around the person most affected, based on our closeness to that person. The person most affected by the situation, at the center, has the right to say anything and everything to anyone. Those in the adjoining circles, can only send support and comfort in, towards the center of the circles, and can only dump emotions outward.

I think this was a brilliant analogy by the podcaster – and it helps to have a visual. Our child is at the center. All we should ever be doing is sending support and comfort to them. Our emotions about the situation, will only cause undo stress to the child. Pre-teens, especially, are already struggling to manage their own emotions. Our emotions need to be directed outward, to our spouse, a close friend, etc.

Be Impervious

Isn’t it amazing how something so simple as a podcast can bring about peace and resolution? By being impervious, and not taking things so personally, I have the ability to rise above the circumstances.

I may even have a jump on this whole pre-teen thing! Wish me luck!